Letting Go

This stage of adulthood is funny. As I was growing up I created, in my mind, how I thought my life would be. When I was 12 I thought being 16 would be the greatest year ever. I thought I would have so much independence. I'd get a car (I'm not sure with what money) and I'd drive around all night with my friends, go to parties and, most importantly, I'd have a boyfriend. I would have a boyfriend who would pick me up in his red convertible. It would all go down, coincidentally, like it did in the movie Sixteen Candles. For some strange reason I used to tell my friends that when I turned 16 I would get a red lacy bra and matching panties (cringe, I hate the word "panties"). I'm really not sure where this one came from. Perhaps it was in one of the romance novels we would read at slumber parties--you know, and skip to the steamy sex scenes which probably weren't all that steamy, but at the time were like hardcore porn. Oh yes, 16 would be wonderful. In this delusional world, where apparently parents and rules did not exist, I would be queen. At 16 I'd really be living life! At age 12 all I could think about was the day I turned 16. It was also at age 12 that I told my dad I would remain a virgin until I was married. He laughed at me. I didn't understand why. He told me I should put it in writing. I never did put it in writing. Good thing.

Well 16 came and went and strangely it was nothing like I expected. I did have a boyfriend, but he didn't have a car and I only had a learner's permit so we had to rely on parents for transportation. Then I cheated on that dude with a guy who was a year older and had a car. That lasted, oooh, a good 4 months. I wasn't exactly the life of the party. What party? I went to a private school with other good kids like me who cared about school . Okay, I was a year off because the boyfriends and parties (pretty much just the one after prom) came at 17 and I could have had a red lacy bra if I wanted to, but I don't think I did. I did have a really sexy 11:30 curfew and matching parents who actually still cared.

In high school I visited Boston on a handful of occasions. I loved Boston. I still do. It's a great city with many fun things to do. At 18 I told myself that Boston is where I wanted to be after college. I told myself this for years. I also told myself that I wanted a Jetta, my (slightly more realistic) dream car. Have you ever told youself something over and over again and then continued to believe it, years later, no hesitations, no questions asked? It wasn't until about a year after I moved to Richmond that I realized that maybe I didn't want to live in Boston anymore. I had just repeated it to myself so many times that I still believed it, even when it was no longer true. Realizing that what I thought I wanted wasn't what I actually wanted anymore was a strange realization. It felt like I was giving up on a dream. What really happened was that my dream changed and if I don't ever live in Boston, that's okay. However, I still want that Jetta. I drive a Jeep, but I could so go for a Jetta right about now.

Another big one is the marriage and kids deal. I grew up playing games about weddings and stuffing baby dolls under my shirt and pretending to give birth. My mom stayed at home with my sister and me and it was always what I was sure I wanted. Edgar and I have actually had serious arguments about this. I fought so hard to hypothetically stay home and not work once I have my hypothetical babies. Ironically, when I was in college studying, I wasn't thinking "this is pointless, I'm just going to be a stay at home mom." There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM, it's just not what I was thinking about while writing essays to complete my Women's Studies minor.

The real-life argument about hypothetical babies always ends with Edgar saying, "Yes, if we can afford it then perhaps you can stay at home." Damn it! This has been my dream. This is what I've always wanted and you are going to deny me that?! You are going to deny me the right to have you work and make enough money so I can stay home with the spawns of our loins?

I've been working in fund raising for just over 2 years now. I like my job, but even more, I like where my career is heading. I like that I am on my way to having a career. Just a few weeks ago it hit me--I want a career. I want kids, but also, I want to work. I don't know if I want to be a stay at home mom. If it happens and if it's what I want at the time, I will consider myself blessed. I realized (and am still in the awkward life realization process over this one as we speak) that if I have kids and also work, I will be okay with that. Edgar hasn't talked me into it either. I don't want to give you that impression. We haven't even talked about it for a long time. I have just had this strange feeling lately that maybe being a SAHM isn't for me. The thing is, I know this could change. Most importantly, I'm starting to understand that it's okay to change my mind. I don't have to have so many "be all, end alls." No one is going to look down on me if I change my mind. Instead, maybe I should focus on making the best of what my life has to offer. I'm not saying don't have dreams, just exercise self-awareness.

Sometimes it is hard to know what I truly want and what is just a culmination of expectations held close to the heart for too many years. Maybe it's okay if my dreams flip-flop, morph, change and in some cases disappear. Sometimes it's more of a let down to hold onto these old dreams rather than letting new ones evolve.

The hard part is knowing when to let go.

You're My Daddy

It's not that I forgot about his birthday. Of course I didn't forget--I sent a gift and I called him at work and I called him again during the evening. Maybe it just slipped my mind to have a special post about it. Maybe it just slipped my mind to post at all yesterday. Yep, yesterday was my dad's birthday. My handsome, smart, funny, understanding, realistic, disciplined, even-tempered, kind daddy turned 56 yesterday. I always know his age because he is 30 years older than I will be when I have my birthday. Get it? Well, not only did I get 1/2 of my amazingly good looks from him, I also got 1/2 (if not more) of my dorkiness from him. He's the good kind of dorky, alright! Sometimes I'll say something really, really dorky and gasp at the fact that something so dorky came out of my mouth. It is then that I think, that was totally something my dad would have said. The good kind of dorky runs in the family. Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dad. I can't wait to see you and Mom this weekend when you stop by on your "flight" down the Florida.

In other news, there is a sale at Ann Taylor Loft going on right now. Yesterday I had a meeting at our retirement community in Richmond (I work at a non-profit and do fund raising for our 4 communities and that is all I am going to say about that...). Coincidentally, a mall isn't too far away. Dangerous! I checked out the sale and ended up with this cute shirt for only $25. I'm hoping that I can wear it under my cute vest. It's sheer, but I think my vest will cover the appropriate (or shall I say inappropriate) areas. If it doesn't, I'll just wear it with a camisole underneath.

I probably, most likely, definitely won't look as good as this chick in it, but what do you think?

For the record, I plan on going back to Ann Taylor Loft when I have more than a 30 minute break to look around. Maybe Mom will want to go this weekend (wink).

When my mom is cooking broccoli spears she points to the bag and says, "Look, it's Britney's sister."

What am I supposed to think of all of this?

Happy Valentine's Day. Have Some Cookies. I Love You!

Before it is over, I must wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day! I had a wonderful day at work. I baked cookies and we had a cookie party. If I were one of the girls on "Girls Next Door" I would be Bridget because I love holidays and anything "themed"! I definitely have a lot of fun with the people I work with. There were 6 of us there today and when everyone's there we are 8 strong. We are like a dysfunctional, but happy, family.

In other news, Edgar got me so much candy and chocolate. I put some away in the cupboard and hopefully I will be able to hold off on some of it for a while. I don't understand how people can have candy around and not eat it. I was never one of those people, but I am going to try really hard. Edgar and I have been seeing Patrick, the personal trainer, and we've been really good about working out. Edgar is really committed to eating healthier and exercising. I am so very proud of him and the fact that we have been motivating each other is really cool. Now that I've added some strength training to my routine and I actually have a real routine, I've been feeling pretty good. I really want to keep it up. I guess I'll have to do double time now that all this chocolate has come into my life...

My parents sent me chocolate too and a kids card with a princess on it and a coloring section on the back. The card says that I am "loved by everyone." Parents are so good for the self-esteem.

I've really enjoyed everything about Valentine's Day, but what I really want to share with you is an excerpt from the card that my sister sent me (she is 21 and kind of crazy--like life of the party crazy, makes everyone laugh, generally has one too many). Here it is:

Happy Valentine's Day Lindsey Loo and the same to Edgar, Bugs and Zoey. You have quite the growing family. How do you two have sex with the dogs always needing to be near you? Just a random thought. Hug, kisses, rainbows and sunshine,
your loving sister,
Sara

What are you talking about? You mean you don't think sex is hotter when you know others are watching?

To My Potential Future Offspring: How I Met Your Potential Father

Edgar and I decided that for Valentine's Day we would give each other a $20 spending limit. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of February and we might go on a weekend trip somewhere and we'd much rather spend our money doing that then on Valentine's gifts. Come to think of it, our anniversary does not actually exist this year. It falls on February 29--leap day. We won't have a real anniversary until next year. I'm sure men everywhere are applauding Edgar on that one. Beginning our anniversary on leap day, I will admit, is man-brilliance at its finest. Too bad I took the liberty to pencil in the 29th on all of our calendars. Ha! Sucka. However, the reason we didn't start dating until the 29th also gives Edgar even more man-cred.

Let me give you a brief (okay, possibly brief...is it ever brief?) background as to how it all went down. Edgar and I met at the beginning of senior year at Hamilton College. I was a Resident Advisor (read: the good kind of dorky). At the beginning of the semester there was always a week long room freeze. This meant that if you decided that you hated your dorm room or roomate you technically had to deal with it for a week before you could go whining to Res Life to see about a possible legal room change. Well, this whole room freeze thing never really stopped anyone from switching rooms on their own. There were always a couple of students who started off the year by trying to pull a fast one on the RA, trying being the operative word. Many RAs, myself included, were pretty nice and just let it slide as long as they made the change legal at the end of the week. The kids who did this, no matter how nice I was, generally ended up being bad news...the ones I eventually had to write up...or call campus safety on...or make sure they got their stomach pumped in a timely fashion. Yes, I was that girl. I was the police. I was also the counselor too. I was always there for my advisees in a very positive way if they needed me.

Needless to say, Edgar was one of the "illegal room change" kids. The guy who was supposed to live in his room was someone I kind of knew because he dated a former advisee of mine. Well he had malaria or the flesh eating disease or something equally as terrible. Okay, it was malaria and malaria isn't, like, all that life-threatening, but whatever. I wouldn't want malaria, but I do thank it because it brought Edgar into my life. (damn you, malaria!)

Right off the bat, I thought to myself, "Edgar is going to be one of my problem children." I told him he had to do a legal room change by the end of the week. I've never had an advisee be so nice and actually go out of his way to make sure the room change happened ASAP. I think at one point I said I was worried because Res Life was telling us that we had to report any illegals (hahahahaha) and Edgar even said that if they caught him he would totally lie for me. That's hot.

Edgar didn't get caught and soon became one of my advisees. I was wrong--he did not turn out to be one of the bad kids either. His best friend Lubi lived down the hall and the three of us started hanging out together all of the time. Lubi is one of my best friends to this day. He is from Botswana. Athough they don't sleep in huts, it is possible to contract malaria, but I digress. About 3-4 months in, Edgar and I found ourselves in a very "beneficial" friendship, but I was not ready to be in a serious relationship again because I was enjoying being single after being in a 3 1/2 year relationship that had ended officially about a year and a half before and unofficially about 6 months before. I really did care a lot about Edgar, even though we said that we wouldn't let our feelings get in the way of our fun. WINK WINK. One of the things that attracted me to Edgar was how caring he was and how he would go out of his way for me if I needed him. For instance, once my car wouldn't start so he came and started it for me. Once I was driving said car home with my dad so we could get it fixed and it completely shut down not far from the college. Edgar came and bailed us out (or was it campus safety? I'm not sure, I think it was both). Regardless, whenever I needed him, he was there for me. And these things happened before I put out so there was nothing in it for him. Go figure.

Edgar and I are the King and Queen of Drama. Scratch that. We were the King and Queen of Drama. We were dramatic because we really cared for each other, but then I would resist falling for him or he would resist and we would play games. Lots of unhealthy games. It was like emotional malaria. The kind of malaria that makes one yell and scream and slam doors in a really dramatic "I'd rather be doing you right now" kind of way. I was a greeeaaat RA, can you tell? My poor advisees. Luckily they were all pretty cool and all juniors and seniors anyway. By February, after some ups and downs (no pun intended), I decided that I really wanted to be with him. It was like in the movie Clueless when Cher says, "I love Josh! I am totally butt crazy in love with Josh" If you don't know this scene then you are not my friend. It was an epiphany of sorts. Edgar also was feeling this way right around the same time. Okay, he would have gotten into a relationship with me long before, but let's face it, I was playing hard to get. Except for the sex part.

This brings us to February 28, 2004. I was working at the campus gym (I had a part time job there) and Edgar came to visit me before going out to party with his friends (I thought this was so sweet). I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I want to tell him tonight that I want to be in a relationship with him--that it's really, really want I really want. Really. Later that night after he left his frat party he came back to the dorm and came to my room to hang out. We ordered a sub because he had the munchies and we just hung out and watched TV. It was actually one of my favorite memories with him. Ironically, he brought up how he was thinking about us...and we talked about how we both were ready to be together. We could have started dating officially right then, but I was not going to start a relationship with a drunkard. What would I tell my children? Hell no. I told him that we'd sleep on it and if he still felt the same way in the morning then we'd be boyfriend/girlfriend. I did NOT realize what the date was. The man-gods must have been watching over Edgar that night or else we'd have an anniversary more than once every 4 years.

So that, my potential future offspring, is how it all went down.






So, did you think the RA/advisee thing was totally hot? Were you inspired?

You can thank me later.



His timing could not have been better. Edgar just yelled from the living room, "Baby, I think I need to be Hugh Hefner." Or there is always that fantasy...

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Tuesday Update: Okay, I read this over this morning and realized I was not overly clear about how the malaria kid fit in. He was supposed to live in the dorm room, but he was coming back to campus late and wanted to live in Edgar's original room to be closer to some frat brothers and Edgar wanted to live in my dorm because he wanted to be in the same dorm as Lubi. Edgar had lived in the same dorm a couple years prior and really liked it. I just wanted to clear that up. Sorry, but the malaria is killing my brain cells.

What's Up Amigos?

Hey ya'll! I see you are still here even after you were subjected to my hideous singing. You are a true friend. I hesitate to say "friends" because the only one left reading this blog might just be my mom and even she may be close to doing the slow backward walk with slight turn of the shoulder that you do when you are trying to get away from a conversation (I'm reminded of a life-sucking former co-worker). Anyway, now that you have experienced me at my dorkiest (some may beg to differ), I feel like I could tell you anything now. The thing is, I really don't have much to say. It has been cold. I've been hanging out, working, doing the usual. Saturday Edgar and I helped Sarah move into her new place and Sunday we went to Edgar's mom's house to watch the Super Bowl. My team won, although I was not really partial to either team. Tom Brady is hot and let's face it, he just wasn't playing Sunday night so what was in it for me, really? Brett Favre is hot too, but getting a little old. Again, wasn't playing on Sunday. I did enjoy the game though, even though the rain was annoying me. Why don't they play in a dome or something? I don't get it. Anyway, as you can see, I still kind of have the winter blahs and I'm feeling a little SAD. One thing that cheered me up though was Orbit gum! They have not one, but two new flavors! I think that stuff has crack in it because I could literally go through a pack a day if my jaw didn't clamp up from all that chewing. I rationalize this habit by telling myself it is strength training for my mouth (you are dirty, stop thinking dirty thoughts).

The two new flavors are Raspberry Ice and Mojito Mint. The raspberry is good, but the mojito...not so much. It tastes too limey and there is no booze in it. I was very disappointed. Of course I purchased them from Target. I have not been doing so well with the whole staying away from Target during my lunch break. It has been cold. What else am I going to do? Go to Starbucks?? Oh yeah, just did that too. Pathetic.

So, how are you doing?